How to Talk to Your Kids About Donald Trump

My son had a lot of questions about Donald Trump and why his presidency is so extraordinary. In case it’s helpful for other parents out there, here’s how I answered him.

Hey buddy, I know you have some questions about this president and where he stands on the issues, so I thought we could take a second and talk about it, ok?

See this pizza? Let’s say this pizza stands for all the money and resources we have in this big beautiful country. On one hand, Democrats want to make sure everyone gets a share. They might take a little more from a guy who’s got a big slice, so that everyone can eat. Republicans, on the other hand, believe that each person should get the slice that they worked for, and if someone didn’t work as hard, they don’t deserve as much pizza. They believe that the pizza they earned is the pizza they should be able to eat.

Makes sense so far? OK, now for Trump… hold on a sec, unnnffff, I know little man, this is hard to watch, please, mmmrrrrffff, don’t cry, I’m trying to teach you something here. Urrrggnnhh. OK.

See what I did? I took a shit on the pizza.

In Trump’s America, we’re all eating a big pile of shit on top of any slice we take, no matter how big or small. So now I’m gonna need you to go ahead and choose a slice. No, this is for your own good. Take a sl — TAKE A GODDAMN SLICE OF THE SHIT PIZZA. Good, that’s good. Now eat the, no, don’t try to run away, take a FUCKING BITE OF THE SHIT PIZZA, SON. We’re not going anywhere until EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT! Chew, now swallow, SWALLOW, good.

Ok, buddy? Do you get it now? That’s Trump!

By the way you’re adopted.