Re: Using the office time machine

Scott Simpson
2 min readMay 28, 2021


From: Brad
To: Team
Cc: HR
Re: Using the office time machine

Hey crew,

Just got back from my weekly with Nora, and she wanted me to share with you some of her concerns about our group’s use of the new departmental time machine. LMK if you have any questions.

IMPORTANT: Please clean the machine after you use it! Honestly I shouldn’t even have to say that. Wipe it down after every use.

No more going back in time to undo a fart. Folks, these machines use a lot of energy, and it’s a waste to use them just to avoid a little embarrassment. Deal with it, or better yet, ease off the dairy.

Related: if your lunch was so good you needed to go back in time and eat it again, just order the same thing tomorrow. Don’t make the rest of us relive Tuesday just because you’ve discovered capers.

The Neanderthal in the break room has gotten a little “handsy.” Plz return him to the Pleistocene by EOD.

Ron, it looks like you went to 1956 to kill baby Bill Gates. FYI it didn’t work. Microsoft Excel is still a thing, and now you’re a murderer. Let’s discuss offline.

Oh great, haha, now I feel the subatomic structure of the universe coming loose. Who went back and taught them how to make a fission-ion generator without warning them that it needs a proton cage to prevent the dissolution of all energy? Jeez, guys. Well, I guess I don’t have to fin

Originally appeared in Savage Henry magazine #110 “The Mulligan Issue”